I’ve been publicly bitching for quite a while about my feet, but a tweet can’t really convey the real extent of what’s going on. For the past month or so my right leg has felt numb. Sometimes it’s only from the knee down, sometimes it’s from the hip down. This numb feeling terminates in a foot that doesn’t even feel like it’s a part of my body. The ball of my foot is a line of pain. Every step feels like there’s a rock running the full width of my shoe under my foot. My big toe feels like it’s been smashed with a hammer. Most of the time it feels like there’s something wrapped around the base of it, cutting off the circulation. The fun part, as always with this shit, is that sometimes it’s the right foot that’s really bad and sometimes it’s the left and sometimes it’s both. Every day is an adventure.
Walking makes everything feel a little worse, but even while I’m sitting at my desk at work I get the sensation that my sneakers are laced too tightly. When I take them off my feet still feel the same way. If there’s a way to relieve the pain I sure haven’t been able to find it.
And here’s the fucking bitch of it all: just before this all flared up I was feeling as good as I had in a long time. We spent a Sunday in July at the beach and it was great. My parents came out in July for my nephew’s first birthday and I felt awesome. And then the bottom fell right out. Less than a week later I felt so bad I had to bag out of my buddies’ yearly hiking trip.
There’s no telling what has caused this latest flare up. Maybe it was because I was immensely stressed at work (so much so that I wrote an email to my boss practically begging for some help), or maybe I wasn’t getting enough sleep or I was drinking too much. I just don’t know. My mood did a downward spiral as I wondered whether I might have a more severe, progressive type of MS. The kind that slowly disables and then just fucking kills you.
I made an appointment to see my neurologist. The earliest time I could get was in the second week of September. I needed to figure out something to do in the meantime to try to help myself. After a few quick web searches I found some inspiring stories about people who had made drastic improvements by changing what they eat. For the record let me say that I don’t think I eat terribly. Lisa and I buy good food. Lots of fruit and veggies. No Ring Dings. Sure, I love to sit down with a plate of sopressata and good cheese, but show me someone who doesn’t. Perhaps, though, I could eat even better…
I decided right away to cut out dairy and eat as little gluten as possible. I also decided to eat raw food as much as possible, and to back off my meat consumption. This sounds simple, but it wiped out almost all of my regular go-to foods. That cup of Greek yogurt I have for breakfast? Gone. The big bowl of pasta with oil and cheese for dinner? Gone. The I-forgot-to-pack-my-lunch-today emergency steak and cheese sub from the place up the street from my office? Yeah, no. Perhaps this would be harder than I thought.
After a week and a half I can say that it really isn’t that hard. My first line of defense is my juicer. I know you’re tired of hearing about it, but a bunch of kale and a few random vegetables has really become my touchstone. I love the ritual of cleaning and chopping everything and then carefully straining the raw juice to create the finished product. I’ve been juicing like a crazy person. I woke up early last Sunday, went to Whole Foods in the shirt I slept in, bought a shitload of produce, and then raced back home so I could juice before I had to go to work at noon. On the days that I can’t juice I cheat and buy some from Starbucks, but it’s just not the same. Not nearly enough kale.
The rest of the time I’ve been eating a hybrid of vegan, raw food, and paleo diets. About 80 percent of the time I eat nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. I still bring PB&J to work, but I’ve switched to gluten-free bread. That’s really the only carbs I eat. Every couple of days Lisa and I will cook some salmon or steak for dinner, but that’s about it for animal products. I’ve been devouring big tubs of trail mix that are heavy on nuts and sunflower seeds. And I did eat a big pile of a black bean stir-fry that Lisa made the other day.
Not to sound like a fucking food kook, but I noticed a change immediately. I’ve been more focused at work. I’ve cut down from two large coffees a day to one small or medium in the morning. I have a lot more energy. Most importantly, my feet have improved. It still feels like a have a thick callus running the width of the balls of my feet, but it’s certainly less painful.
The downside is that I haven’t quite figured out how to eat enough calories every day. I’ve lost a few pounds that I can ill-afford to lose, but on the bright side, my power-to-weight ratio has skyrocketed.
Today started like any other Wednesday. I woke up and started a pot of coffee. I let my daughter sleep late because it’s summer vacation and her day camp is only about a half-hour drive from here. I took a shower, ate some breakfast. Eventually we hopped in the car to head to her rock-climbing camp in Everett (which, by the way, awesome. I wished I could have stayed.)
As we hit the top of the Leverett Connector to merge into the left lane of 93 north I noticed a State Trooper pulled behind a disabled vehicle way over in the right lane. A moment later I saw a car in one of the middle lanes drive over an improbably large sheet of twisted metal. A moment after that the sheet of metal tore a very large hole into the sidewall of my right rear tire. I limped the car as far to the left as I could to let traffic pass me, but I was hemmed in by Jersey barriers. With my hazard lights flashing, and with my daughter in the back seat, I unleashed a furious round of F-bombs as cars came perilously close to making my day even worse. I slowly rolled up the highway, eyeing the Somerville off-ramp four lanes over. Finally a break in traffic let me ease the car across the highway and down the ramp. I stopped in front of the Somerville courthouse, right behind a van whose driver was slowly unwinding his right rear tire’s lug nuts. I got out and walked toward the van.
“You get hit by the same shit up there that I did?”
I popped open my trunk, pulled out the jack and the donut spare and set to work. My daughter paced the sidewalk worried that she’d be late for camp.
Luckily the guy broken down in front of me managed to find a can of WD-40 in his maintenance equipment-laden van because otherwise I would still be there trying to pry my stubborn lug nuts off. As it was I had to stand on the fucking wrench in order to get them to move. At one point my daughter said, “It looks like you’re sitting down without a chair,” because my feet were far to one side of the wrench, and I was prying with both hands and leaning back as far as I could. I suppose it did look pretty silly.
Once I got the nuts loosened things went smoothly. I kicked off the old tire, slapped the donut on and headed off to rock-climbing camp. I walked in looking like a sweat-drenched maniac and asked if I could use their bathroom to clean up.
(fast forward through the usual traffic complaints about driving from Everett to Boston during rush hour)
I got to my regular job just in time to preside over a fetid miasma of terrible deliveries. South Boston to Harvard Square. Kendall Square to Kenmore Square. Longwood Avenue to the West End. Just a fucking day-wrecker staring me in the face and it wasn’t even 10 AM. I spend endless hours every week choreographing a multi-city ballet and sometimes I’m Balanchine and sometimes I’m just hanging on for dear life. Today I was lucky to escape with my fingernails intact.
(fast forward through the Aaron Hernandez talk on the sports station I listen to obsessively whenever I’m in my car)
I arrived at my second job at the beer store just as a phalanx of mammoth-scale return people showed up. There are regulars who show up and return what they drink and then there are regulars who show up and return what they collect. We got hit by four or five collectors all at once. Our return room is a small awkward space and suddenly it was filled with people pushing overloaded, dripping, smelly shopping carts, shoving bottle after bottle into the return machines. I literally turned my back for a second and all three bottle machines were flashing a yellow screen saying they needed to be emptied. Me and the other beer guy (also named Matt) furiously replaced the bottle bins, emptied the full bins into a large hopper which itself was becoming perilously full, and then set about replacing the full hopper. By the time everyone cleared out I was soaked with sweat.
As things were winding down for the night a dude and his family pushed a full cart into the return room. I asked him how much stuff he had. “Two carts.”
I told him we would be closing soon and if he hurried I would let him finish the one cart that was there. He went back outside to load up the second cart and I followed right behind him. “Don’t bring this inside. We’re closing in twenty minutes.”
I went back inside and the motherfucker wheeled his second cart right in behind me. I turned around and told him, “I told you we’re closing in twenty minutes. I’ll let you finish the first cart if you hurry, but if you push it I’ll kick you out right now.” The store was very quiet and my voice was pretty loud. He wheeled his shit back out and somehow we closed on time, but not before some co-ed managed to drop an entire 12-pack on the floor which necessitated a very hurried mop up.
(Everything isn’t so negative. I still own that stupid condo in Chelsea. It’s a huge drain on my finances. In May my tenant [who had signed a one-year lease in January] broke that lease in order to move to low-income housing. As soon as she told me she was moving out I made the decision to put the place up for sale. And I decided to stop paying the mortgage, my home equity loan, and my condo fees. I called everyone right away to let them know what was happening. Today I was informed by my real estate broker that someone has made an offer on the place. Now it’s up to the the bank to try to negotiate some kind of settlement. Frankly, I don’t care what the fuck they do. I’ll never put another cent into that place. Pretty soon it’ll be off my hands and I’ll finally be able to get on with my fucking life. Which means I might not be yelling at transients with a cartload of empties for much longer.)
Employment: I’m still working the two jobs. I actually picked up another permanent night at the store. I now work every Wednesday and Friday night and every Saturday from 1:00 until 10:00. I also work every other Sunday from noon until 6:00. I’m also working around 45 hours a week at my main gig. All of which translates into two days off a month. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a grind. Mornings like today are the worst. Not only did I wake up tired from working 10 days straight, I still had to face three more long days days until Sunday.
It’s not entirely bad. I’ve gotten several small unceremonious raises at work that have almost brought my paycheck back to it’s previous unslashed level, so long as I’m willing to grind out nine and ten hour days there. But the time between when I got my pay cut and I when I started the part-time job was seven months, and you can dig a pretty big hole in seven months, so no matter what they pay me it looks like I’ll be working at the store for a little bit longer.
Health: If I haven’t mentioned it before: MS is both baffling and a huge pain in the ass. When I accepted the job at the store both my feet hurt so badly that I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to walk around enough to do the work. Shortly afterward the pain in my feet went away only to be replaced by a cloudy blurriness in my right eye. Right this very second my right thigh is so numb that hitting it with my hand feels like I’m rapping on a coffee table. It’s been such a shitshow that in July I asked my neurologist to prescribe me a new round of medicine. He hooked me up with some Nortriptyline, an old-school antidepressant that has seen some success at alleviating the physical discomfort of MS (when I told my psychiatrist what I was taking he said, “Nobody takes that anymore!”), and Copaxone, which is thought to reduce further nerve damage although no one really knows how. [emphasis added - Ed.]
After a hilarious and avoidable series of miscues I now have chilling in my fridge a two-month supply of Copaxone. Row after beautiful row of glass syringes with very small little needles attached. Actually, the size is (I believe) slightly larger than an insulin needle, but a far, far cry from the Louisville Slugger-sized widow-makers I was using when I was taking Avonex.
After I quit taking Avonex I swore I would never do another round of injections, but taking Copaxone is pretty chill. You just pinch up some skin, pop the needle in and hit the plunger. No muss, no fuss, and most importantly, no day-long bout of hideous debilitating side-effects. The most troublesome part has been finding areas with enough skin to pinch. From what I gather they like you to rotate the injections around a series of sites, but some of the recommended sites are either implausible (the back of my hip) or impossible (the back of my arm). I’ve lost about ten pounds since the beginning of May, but even then there would never have been enough space for the needle in the back of my arm.
Juice: one of my extravagances after I got the part-time job was to buy a serious juicer. I read a few reviews, but one in particular made my choice very easy. I ordered the Omega 8003 on Amazon and when it arrived on a Friday night I was so excited I jumped out of bed Saturday morning and drove to the store to load up on kale, spinach, carrots and a bunch of other shit I read were supposed to be good for you. That first batch of juice was a shock to my system. I had used my earlier, shitty juicer exclusively to make fruit juice: apple, pineapple, etc. Drinking a glass of crushed-up leafy green vegetables was a bit of a departure. But it was awesome. For a while I was getting up willingly at 5:30 every morning in order to make fresh juice. I really began to enjoy the preparation of the whole thing. Rinsing the greens, chopping the carrots and celery and cucumber. It’s become my one weird little ritual.
Nowadays, I juice at night for the next day. I like to throw a beet in because the way the beet juice streaks on the big knife when I’m chopping it up gives me a homicidal thrill that you just don’t get from cutting up celery.
To each his own, amirite?
When my old company got taken over in April 2011 I was told that my salary would stay unchanged for the first six months. In October 2011, right on cue, I suffered a massive pay cut. Suddenly, I was only able to pay my bills with assistance from Lisa, who was only able to give me money because she was working a second job waiting tables three or four nights a week.
For various reasons Lisa quit that part-time job a couple months ago. It was a move that, all things considered, I whole-heartedly encouraged. The place was populated by psychos (Lisa excluded), and the hours were becoming a bit of a grind. It was awesome to have her home at night all the time, but we’d both be lying if we said we didn’t miss that extra money.
The day before we left for vacation in South Carolina I saw a sign for part-time help at a local liquor store. I told myself if the sign was still there when we got back I’d put in an application. They were looking for someone to work a few nights and weekends. I think you can see where this is going.
On the Friday of Cinco de Mayo weekend I worked all day at my regular job and then drove straight to the store to work my first shift. I got bossed around by a Spanish guy with very limited English skills, I emptied out the returnable machines (which are terribly gross and smelly), and kept the cooler stocked. I went back the next day from one o’clock until ten at night. Then I went back on Sunday from noon until six. When I finally got home on Sunday night I was fucking beat.
After a few weeks on the job I’ve got a decent handle on what needs to be done. It’s lowly, menial work but there’s something almost soothing about it. I go in, I mop the floor, I keep the cooler stocked and I go home. I don’t have anyone bitching at me. I’m not responsible for anyone else. Between the Seger on the classic rock radio and the BL ‘Nums in the cooler it’s kinda like living in @DadBoner’s timeline. One of the guys asked me the other day if I was ready to quit yet and I almost said, “This is the easiest money I’ve ever made in my life.”
Oh yeah, the money. I figure at my current schedule I’ll bring home around $600-700 a month. That’s not gonna make me rich, but it helps out when most of my real income goes to cover child support and mortgage payments for a condo that I don’t even live in. I should be able to pay off my car next month which will free up a not-insignificant $130 a month.
The best part of the new job has been watching Lisa settle into a more relaxed lifestyle. When she quit the waitress gig it took her a few weeks to adjust to having so much free time. She literally didn’t know what to do with herself. Now when I come home she’s stretched out on the sun porch with a book. It’s lovely.
Yesterday we were at Lisa’s parents’ house for a cook-out and Emily brought her Razor scooter to play with. We went for a little walk around the block and ended up uphill from the house. I asked Em if she wanted to ride her scooter on the sidewalk downhill and around the corner to the house and to my surprise she said yes. Two seconds after her take-off she was moving far too fast for me to ever catch her so all I could do was watch her and hope for the best. And in a split-second I realized that would be the pattern for the rest of her life. She’s slowly escaping my gravity and the farther away she gets the faster she goes. That’s some pretty heavy shit to deal with when all you wanna do is enjoy a sunny Sunday late-afternoon and eat a grilled sausage sandwich.
Hey, how are you doing? I kinda blog here from time to time, so feel free to check back in three or four months and if you’re lucky there may be some other trivial bullshit posted.
I was listening to Toucher and Rich on my drive to work the other day and they were playing clips of isolated vocal tracks from famous rock songs. I kinda dug hearing “Detroit Rock City” and you must listen to David Lee Roth’s vocal of “Running With The Devil.” When I got to work I searched around and found that there’s a small cottage industry devoted to posting videos of famous songs stripped of everything but the vocals. I don’t pretend to know the reason for this.
One song I noticed a video for was “Gimme Shelter,” and I resolved to listen to it as soon as I got home. Not only is it one of my favorite songs ever but I was dying to hear what Merry Clayton’s voice would sound like without a cloud of guitar and drums surrounding it. Safe to say, it’s almost unbearably awesome. I absolutely love it when her voice cracks during the “Rape, murder…” part and you can hear Mick holler “Whoo!” in appreciation.
Disclaimer: this post is about politics, a subject that I hate. I’m neither a political scientist nor an economist so don’t expect any data to back up my arguments. In fact, you can just skip this entire post if you want and I’m sure that we will still be friends.
I’ve wasted several evenings lately watching the Republican primary debates. I could have spent that time reading or listening to “A Love Supreme” or jacking it in the bathroom, but instead I made a conscious decision to sit on my couch and watch the various candidates make their case for being the nominee for POTUSA. The results have been so dismal that it shocks me that any sane person could reasonably entertain the notion of voting for any of them.
On a basic nuts-and-bolts level I understand that Republicans are supposed to be in favor of limited government and lower taxes and all that, but I’ve been continually shocked and appalled by the candidates’ sneering disregard for many American citizens. Herman Cain blamed the unemployed for being, uh, unemployed, Rick Santorum told a gay soldier that he would reinstate “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” and Rick Perry claimed to have never lost a night of sleep over executions in Texas while he was governor despite the fact that at least one one of those executed was exculpated after he was put to death. I know that the candidates are trying to appeal to the hardcore Republican primary voters, but the level of petty meanness is dismaying to watch.
The candidates have also taken a perverse pride in disregarding simple facts. When Cain is confronted with mathematical evidence that his 9-9-9 tax plan is massively regressive and blatantly unfair his only response is to say, “You’re wrong.” Perry has doubts about both global warming and evolution. Evolution! Let’s give him a pass by saying that climate science is a fairly recent scientific development. Fucking Darwin published “On The Origin Of Species” in 1859! In the intervening 152 years science has pretty much made an airtight case for evolution, and yet Perry dismisses it as “a theory that’s out there. It’s got some gaps in it.” I’m sorry, but you can’t be the leader of the free world if you don’t believe in evolution.
This ability to brush aside facts would be laughable if it didn’t also extend to their economic policies. Mitt Romney wants to free banks to accelerate the foreclosure process. Every candidate wants to gut Medicare and Social Security and slash discretionary spending to the bone all the while pledging to not raise taxes ever. Every candidate stated that they wouldn’t accept even a 10-1 ratio of spending cuts to tax increases. Look, I’m no Paul Krugman, but you cannot be a serious candidate for the Oval Office if you can’t even pretend that, perhaps, our country would be a little bit better off if, say, GE paid some fucking taxes.
There are roughly 3798 more primary debates left and to be honest I don’t want to watch any more, but I’m sure I will because I’m a glutton for punishment and I love yelling at my TV. Plus, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time until Michelle Bachmann says we should euthanize kids with Down syndrome, or Santorum pledges to reinstate Jim Crow laws. In a sick way I want Ron Paul to beat a hobo to death onstage because it would finally tear off the mask and reveal this cadre as the small-minded, venal, petty, bigoted, anti-Enlightenment, misanthropic shrews that they are.
I have been rather lucky recently in that I haven’t had a major MS flare-up in over a year, but I’m becoming more and more disillusioned about being diagnosed with MS anyway. Here’s why.
I get this terrible itching on my right elbow. It comes and goes for no apparent reason. It was so bad a couple weeks ago that I went to CVS on my lunch break and bought a tube of cortisone cream. I never imagined it would be MS-related. It turns out that ‘itching’ is an infrequent symptom of MS, and here’s the best part: topical creams are totally ineffective. I might as well have rubbed Nutella on my elbow for all the good it did me.
The list of symptoms for MS is almost endless. Fatigue. Numbness. Sexual dysfunction. Depression. Itching. Pain. No, seriously, fucking ‘pain’ is a symptom. How much more nebulous can your condition be when ‘pain’ is a symptom? Almost anything that can go wrong with the human body can be considered a symptom of MS. Sometimes it seems like MS is all symptoms with no known underlying cause. I’m no doctor but an MS diagnosis itself seems like medical shorthand for “we have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you.”
And because medical science has no idea what MS is, they don’t have any real way to treat it. It’s fucking immensely frustrating. I can take drugs in the hope of not getting a flare-up, but there’s nothing I can take to make it go away. No penicillin. No chemo. Nothing. Imagine that you went to the doctor and said, “Hey, I’m pissing blood. What’s up with that?” And your doctor said, “Well, I don’t have any idea why you’re pissing blood, but take this drug and maybe you won’t piss blood as often.” I think that you might be pretty mad.
Right now I’m lucky. My right toe is numb, my arms tingle and I’m wicked sensitive to air-condioning, but I can function pretty much like normal. Every once in a while I check in on MS websites and read some horror story of people who are so disabled that they have to quit their jobs and I count my blessings. It’s almost enough to get me to try some crackpot hookworm therapy.